3 Ways to Protect Your Marriage from Satan This Holiday Season
Christmas and Advent
Audio By Carbonatix
By Kate Stevens, Crosswalk.com
We all have expectations about how holidays should go. Some want the world to forget their name so they can slow down their own world. Some want to cram in as many crafts, activities, movies, and gatherings as possible so that they have to deck their halls on November 1st to achieve it all. Some don’t even begin acknowledging their expectations until December 18th because Thanksgiving was such a humdinger. And even if a married couple both function within the same expectations, it is all too easy to misfire with good intentions, one person zigging while the other is busy zagging.
This is more than just a communication settlement. A husband and wife can very clearly explain exactly what they want the family Christmas ornament to look like this year, and still be in strife. The resolve only comes when one or both parties relinquish control, yielding to the other. This, of course, is not reserved for the holidays. We can run into this scenario when buying a car or choosing breakfast cereal. However, it seems that this festive time of year can quickly crank up the discord in marriages. The Enemy knows it’s a great time of celebration for the Christian household, so the smallest of joys can be twisted to a great sorrow if we let it. Awareness, reflection, honesty, and especially prayer go a long way in making holidays even sweeter for a marriage.
There are possibly hundreds of ways marriages can suffer during the holidays: finances, schedules, hospitality, in-law dynamics, emotions, frustrations, kids’ expectations, sins of envy, and comparison. I want to expose three principles to abide by: prepare spiritually, set a budget, practice hospitality—you can fill in the blank on your own methodology. But before we zoom in, let me offer the first step: Reflect back on tough holidays past where the season wasn’t so jolly. You may even want to reflect on your own childhood. Oftentimes, our spouse can unknowingly trip over one of our painful memories or experiences. Pray and ask the Holy Spirit to reveal your own blind spots, not your spouse’s. Be vulnerable and honest about your own shortcomings in those years, poised for repentance if you left any issues suspended.
At the beginning and end of it all, the Bible is our standard—not a traditional or cultural notion of the dinner menu, Christmas decor, or wishlists from our children. Ephesians 5:22–24 says that a wife to submit in everything to her husband. Wives can dismiss holidays as too trivial a thing to consider for submission, crippling the gift these days are designed for. Ephesians 5:25–33 states that a husband is to love his wife by laying down his life for her, cherishing her, and nourishing her. These high-stakes, memory-making days are ready for such manly actions. If you know holidays have proven tense for your marriage, start by reading all of Ephesians 5 aloud. Then consider the following:
1. Prepare Spiritually
An elaborate prayer and circling up for gratitude on one day is not sufficient for leading your heart towards a spirit of peace. Likewise, reading Christ’s birth story from Luke right before opening gifts is not developing a heart to consider the weight of the Incarnation. God made all these good gifts we use to celebrate these holidays, so enjoying them should immediately cause us to enjoy Him.
However, 2 Corinthians 4:18 tells us, “The things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.” We should absolutely revel in the material side of holidays, but this is only because the seen points us to the unseen. And no other time of year is more focused on the seen than during the holidays. We have inherited traditions and assigned symbols to Thanksgiving and Christmas, which should signal postures of gratitude and wonder when we see a turkey, a tree with lights, and even specific color combinations.
All of this can cause you to pull off a great meal, have a lovely dinner party, or see cheery little faces playing with a pile of toys. But did the event and purchase lead you closer to God or one another? If all the elements were seen, then we can be devoid of spiritual substance because the seen parts of this world are temporary.
As a married couple, you have to work to bring in the unseen parts of holidays. And it truly isn’t hard, but it takes humility and intentionality. Read some Psalms of thanksgiving this season (Psalm 28, 30, 50, 92, 100). Just the two of you sit and let these guide your prayers, offering gratitude to our very good God for what He has done in your lives. Have an Advent book for just you and your spouse, especially if you are going through a young child’s Advent book as a family. Look up the Scriptures each reading offers, read them aloud, and allow yourselves to hear one another reading God’s Word during this holiday full of mystery and wonder. That is building the unseen, eternal parts of your lives. No doubt, if this piece is out of place, then the next two principles will showcase the most strife.
2. Set a Budget
I feel like I hear two phrases consistently all around me: life is getting so expensive and we’re just so busy. Holidays are a time where there is grand potential to spend money on abnormal budgeted items: running a 5K with someone in a Santa costume, buying numerous gifts for all the people in your life, creating bigger and more elaborate meals, ice skating with elves, and hosting 35 of your closest friends and family after a Christmas Eve service. Similarly, when the few normal calendar items pause for the holidays, it seems five or six more take their place.
Advertisements and invitations are ubiquitous. We all have different degrees of time and money available, and we must take care to avoid both pitfalls in both respects. Simply put, we cannot be cheap and isolated, nor can we be extravagant and bustling beyond our means. This does go back to the seen and unseen portions of our world. God made us for community, and He made the material for His glory and our joy. We cannot afford to slow down to the point of lacking a pulse, nor can we survive on just 3 hours of sleep for 24 days.
Once you, as a married couple, have decided how to spiritually prepare for the holidays, you must discuss your expectations for how you will spend your time and money. Consider making a list off the top of your head of what your favorite outings were last year and the best gifts you gave and received. Maybe even ask your children to do the same. Decide what is most life-giving to your family, and team up with your spouse to avoid comparing yourselves to others.
Here are just a few things our family does to help here:
-Make a calendar for the fridge for the month of December with every activity on it. For us, every day is filled—even if it simply says to make hot chocolate or read a specific Psalm.
-Make your own decorations! The internet is helpful here! You can use Christmas paper for a chain, wrap lamps, table legs, and banisters with ribbon, or print off Christmas artwork and lyrics to carols to display around the house.
-Finish shopping as early as possible! Then you can spend more time celebrating as a family and with friends.
3. Practice Hospitality
This hub has many spokes. Going back to Ephesians 5, we see the hierarchy of our affections: worshipper, spouse, parent. This is how we should order our lives. Oftentimes, we save the best for those who live outside our homes, giving others our greatest attention, joy, and energy. Simply put, hospitality begins at home. When a husband and wife are not spiritually preparing for the holiday season, this God-designed order gets thrown, and turmoil is inevitable. When we plan and attend many large gatherings, shuffling our kids here and there without considering their hearts, then we are nearly inviting quarreling and mischief into our families.
Again, hospitality starts in the home. First, how does God want me to view these holidays before us? What does He have for my heart as a worshipper? Second, how can I serve and love my spouse in this season? What would bless him/her the most? Third, how can I best serve and love my children? What can I do to build loyalty in them and make this so fun and memorable? Once this order is in place, we can rightly think, plan, and prepare for our small groups, extended family meals, parties for the young adult group at church, and Christmas caroling with neighbors. But this is only when our affections are ordered, or we will be tempted to give the best parts of ourselves to those whom God hasn’t given us to disciple and shepherd on a daily/hourly basis.
Another spoke—hospitality is engaging tough extended family or church members. Yes, sometimes boundaries need to be set and tough decisions need to be made. But also, sometimes we just need to walk in humility and meekness and maybe a healthy dose of courage. We can view holidays as a time to meet our own needs for joy and peace, cutting out anything and anyone who might cause friction or challenge us. You may just need to smile and serve that one dish you dislike but would please a cranky dinner guest. You may be the one to sit on the couch and compassionately listen to that one aunt who talks for hours about how hard her year has been. You may be the one who invites a challenging family over for hot chocolate and board games. With your spouse, ask the Lord to give you both eyes for others as you open yourselves and even your home.
Final Tips
Communication is generally the bottom line when talking about marriage. I would add humility and courage to that list because the issues that arise are rarely related to the issue at hand during the holidays. We can masterfully and unintentionally “switch track” on our spouse when something comes up. Anger over the Christmas-themed sponges that came in the 4th Amazon delivery of the day really isn’t about sponges at all—it’s about one spouse’s judgment of poor spending. Frustration over assembling toys at midnight on Christmas Eve isn’t about not having the correct impossibly tiny screwdriver—it’s about one spouse’s judgment of procrastination.
Be gentle with one another! You’re on the same team with the same goals! This is all supposed to be great, holy fun. If it’s not, then start with your own heart and see how it is out of order. Take this to the Lord in repentance, turning toward Jesus. Then ask your spouse to do the same.
Additionally, here is just a handful of holiday ideas to keep your marriage free of temptations:
-Be quick to ask for forgiveness with a fussy mood or sharp words.
-Edit out some of your current decor before putting Christmas decor up; it will help with clutter and feeling overwhelmed by stuff because it is likely either you or your spouse gets burdened by visual noise!
-If setting a budget of your time or money seems overwhelming, then just agree to check with each other before adding anything to the calendar or making purchases over a certain dollar amount.
-For the month of December, don’t watch TV before bed if this is a normal routine for you.
-Ask your children to come up with a new Christmas tradition! We try to add one every year, and they are usually hilarious and more fun when they come from our daughters.
