Common Responses to Mistreatment - Today's Insight - September 30, 2025

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Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. (Romans 12:9)

It’s been my observation that when we’re treated unfairly, we respond with three common, knee-jerk reactions.

First, there is the aggressive pattern: we blame others. This reaction not only focuses on the person who ripped us off and keeps a running tally of wrongs done against us, but it also engineers ways to get back. This reaction says, “I don’t just get mad, I get even.” In the process, aggression grows from simple anger all the way to rage. It starts with the seed of resentment, germinates into revenge, and in the process nurtures a deep root of bitterness that tenaciously wraps around our hearts. When allowed to grow to full size, it leaves us determined to get back at every person who has done anything against us.

Second, there is the passive pattern: we feel sorry for ourselves. We throw a pity party, complaining to anyone who will lend a sympathetic ear. “Life just isn’t fair,” we whine. But if we wallow in this slough of despondency for too long, we become depressed and immobile, living the balance of life with the shades drawn and the doors locked. Like quicksand, feeling sorry for ourselves will suck us under.

Though you may be holding back, there’s a lot of anger in this passive pattern as well. Give in to this temptation and I can assure you, you’ll not be vulnerable to anybody ever again.

Third, there is the holding pattern: we postpone or deny our feelings. We might call this the Scarlett O’Hara syndrome: “I'll think about it tomorrow!” Every boiling issue is left to simmer on the back burner over a low flame. On the surface all seems calm—“Doesn’t bother me”—but underneath, our feelings seethe, eating away at us like acid. This failure to deal with the problem forthrightly leads only to doubt and disillusionment and weakens the fiber of our lives. Furthermore, it’s physically unhealthy to sustain feelings of resentment.

Copyright © 1996 by Charles R. Swindoll, Inc.

Used with permission. All rights reserved.

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