Parenting Guilt

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Recently, I got a call from a friend who told me some upsetting news about his child. During our conversation, he was down and discouraged. And I was reminding him throughout the conversation that our children make their own decisions, and we can’t let that define who we are as parents or as people. I think this is true at all levels of parenting, but I think it’s especially true when it comes to our adult children.

So many parents find themselves thinking that what their child does defines them as parents. You know what I’m talking about, right? You may have heard the line “A parent is only ever as happy as their least happy child.” I understand the sentiment, and I think it definitely has some truth to it. But I also think that many parents continue to carry an emotional weight that would be appropriate when the kids are 10 or 15 years old even when their kids are 30 or 40 years old. And I don’t think that’s healthy for anybody involved!

Our kids will always be our kids, no matter how old they are. But you just don’t have the same level of influence or impact when it comes to adult children–and you’re not supposed to! It’s natural for your voice to carry less weight in your child’s life as time goes on, and that’s also why it’s important to allow yourself to feel a degree of separateness when it comes to the choices they make and the consequences that might come about from those choices.

Of course, I’m all for helping our kids at every age, but I’m not in favor of enabling. Figuring out the difference between helping and enabling can be a challenge, as it’s rarely a clear-cut distinction. But with some soul searching and honesty, I think most of us can pick out the most obvious instances of enabling. If you’re working to figure out how to toe that line in a difficult situation, reaching out to a counselor can be a great asset for you as you work to get clarity on how to move forward.

I know that this message can sometimes leave parents feeling a little beaten up or called out. But that is not my intent at all. I’m hoping parents read this and feel freed up from having to carry burdens that aren’t theirs to carry. In fact, my friend reached out after our conversation and thanked me for the reminder and let me know that he definitely needed to hear that. And I’m sure he’s not the only one that can use this reminder!

For parents who have felt too much of the guilt and burden that really belongs to their kids, I hope you can find some comfort and freedom in this column. Because I think all of us would agree that our own parents are not responsible for all of our actions, so we’re holding ourselves to a standard that we don’t even actually agree with! Sure, I see some patterns in my life that were influenced by the people who shaped my thinking and my life at a young age. But I also see that there is a lot of what I do and think that is actually very different from what my parents taught and modeled as I was growing up. And I’m willing to guess that’s true for you too, so we shouldn’t be so surprised and hurt when that ends up being true when it comes to our children as they grow up to be adults themselves.