Top This!

Chris: Hi, this is Chris. We're just about to have a time of wonder, adventure and excitement. Would you like to join us? Then get ready, because you never know what'll happen when you have an Adventure in Odyssey.
Guest (Male): What would you like?
Guest (Male): I'd like ketchup and mustard with water.
Guest (Female): Would you like a wax?
Guest (Male): No thanks.
Guest (Male): What's your name, sir?
Guest (Male): Binky.
Guest (Male): Cool.
Guest (Male): Do I win something?
Guest (Male): The Sheboygan Shuffle.
Guest (Female): Sounds good.
Guest (Female): Yeah, sounds good.
Hannah: What are you doing, Mr. Allen?
Mr. Allen: Oh, just changing some things on the menu board up here. We're trying out a few new flavors. The ice cream supplier sent us some free samples.
Hannah: Really? What flavors?
Mr. Allen: Let's see, Strawberry Mocha Dream, Pistachio Mocha Crunch, and Cappuccino Mocha Jamoca. I guess they had some mocha to get rid of.
Hannah: Hi, Mr. Allen.
Erica: Hi, Erica.
Courtney: Hi, Courtney. This is my cousin Hannah. Hannah, this is Mr. Allen, and you've already met Erica.
Mr. Allen: Hello, Hannah, nice to meet you.
Hannah: Same here.
Courtney: Hannah's moving here in a couple of weeks. Her family's staying with us while they look for a house.
Mr. Allen: Well, that should be fun for both of you.
Courtney: Yeah, we've got a lot to catch up on.
Mr. Allen: Where are you moving from, Hannah?
Hannah: Pennsylvania, near Philadelphia.
Mr. Allen: Oh, really? How did you like it there?
Hannah: It was a blast! When it comes to entertainment, I'm used to having a few more choices than you have here.
Mr. Allen: I'm sure.
Courtney: Well, there's a lot to do here too. You'll see.
Hannah: I know. That's what you keep telling me.
Courtney: Come on, I'll show you.
Hannah: All right. It was nice meeting you, Mr. Allen.
Mr. Allen: Nice meeting you too. And I hope to see you around. Well, welcome to Odyssey.
Hannah: Thanks. Bye.
Erica: Did you see that, Mr. Allen?
Mr. Allen: See what?
Erica: Courtney.
Mr. Allen: Oh, sure, I saw her.
Erica: Not her, the way she looked.
Mr. Allen: I don't follow you.
Erica: She got her hair cut. She bought a new dress.
Mr. Allen: Yeah? And?
Erica: I met Hannah the other day, and Courtney, she's just, she's just different around her.
Mr. Allen: Hmm. I didn't notice.
Erica: Just watch.
Brian Dern: And that was a new group called Ketchup and Mustard with their single, "Too Before You." This is Crying Brian Dern, and it's Nausea Week on Odyssey 105.
Brian Dern: If you hear me say any word this week that has to do with being sick to your stomach, be the fifth caller, and you'll win a $100 gift certificate from Pete's Gas and Chow. You can buy about 50,000 strips of beef jerky with that. It's Odyssey 105, the only station that gives you nausea that lasts a week.
Casey Parker: Dern.
Brian Dern: Okay, Casey, I'm glad you're here. Are we really gonna do this for a whole week? I was thinking.
Casey Parker: Forget that, Dern. I've got something more important to talk to you about.
Brian Dern: Yeah?
Casey Parker: I just got the ratings. We're getting killed by Q94.
Brian Dern: So what's new?
Casey Parker: It's not like I don't understand why they have better promotions than we do. While they're giving away trips to Hawaii and Tijuana, we're giving away gift certificates to Fraley's Laundromat. We gotta think of something better. We can't rely on prizes. It's gotta be something else. Something that'll get people's attention. Anyway, I'm talking to Stallings about it.
Brian Dern: Stallings? What is Stallings gonna do about it?
Casey Parker: I don't know, but whatever we do, he has to agree. He owns the place. I'll just lay it all in front of him and figure out what we have to do.
Brian Dern: So how serious are you talking here? You gonna fire everybody? You just gonna have me blow my foghorn more often?
Casey Parker: We're doing something, Dern. 94's beaten us five quarters in a row, and I'm tired of it. I'm ready to do anything, even something drastic.
Chris: Now on the Adventures in Odyssey Club, Connie has a proposal for Whit.
Whit: How can I help?
Connie: By hiring someone else!
Whit: I was actually thinking the new manager would.
Guest (Female): If she takes the job.
Whit: What do you say?
Penny: Me? This seems like it would be a fun place to work.
Eugene: I heard you were hiring, and I'm very interested.
Katrina: I'm here to apply for the job!
Chris: Penny, new manager Connie has her first big decision to make on the Adventures in Odyssey Club. Don't miss it.
Courtney: Okay, we're in my room. Now, what do you wanna tell me?
Hannah: Okay, my parents may have found a house today.
Courtney: Oh.
Hannah: It's so nice. I looked at it this afternoon. It's got a few more rooms than yours, and I think my bedroom's a little bigger than yours.
Courtney: Sounds great.
Hannah: It's really different looking too. So many of the houses around here look exactly the same. And we're moving pretty close to the school. I can walk home from volleyball practice if I need to.
Courtney: Oh, that's right. I wanted to ask you, how did your team do this year?
Hannah: Great, we went to the district finals.
Courtney: Good for you.
Hannah: And guess what?
Courtney: What?
Hannah: I won Most Valuable Player.
Courtney: Really? Congratulations.
Hannah: Thanks.
Brian Dern: Okay, we still don't have a winner in the "What Is He Saying?" contest. I'll play the clip again.
Brian Dern: All right, let's go to the phones. You're on the air, what is he saying?
Guest (Female): I think he said, the monkey man has no place in the circle of confusion.
Brian Dern: I'm sorry, that is incorrect. Another caller. What is he saying?
Guest (Female): He's saying, the meter maid has no peace in the cycle of conviction.
Brian Dern: Sorry, no.
Casey Parker: Dern.
Brian Dern: Let's play a commercial and then I'll take some more callers.
Brian Dern: What is it?
Casey Parker: I'm gonna make an announcement.
Brian Dern: Now?
Casey Parker: Right after this commercial.
Brian Dern: What kind of announcement?
Casey Parker: We just did an informal survey at Campbell College. 72% of the students we asked listen to Q94.
Brian Dern: Wonderful.
Casey Parker: We gotta do something now. Put the CD in.
Brian Dern: All right.
Guest (Male): Introducing Jumbo Fork, the biggest fork you'll ever see in your life. Get Jumbo Fork, and get it all in your mouth. Available at Pete's Gas and Chow, your Beef Jerky Co-op.
Brian Dern: Okay, people, Casey Parker, station manager here at Odyssey 105, would like to bring you a special message.
Casey Parker: Hello, everyone. We here at Odyssey 105 have always desired to serve our listeners to the best of our ability, and we would like to continue doing this. Our research shows that the people of Odyssey want something different, a different kind of music. And so we've decided to change our format.
Brian Dern: Change our format?
Casey Parker: Yes. Effective immediately, Odyssey 105 will officially be a 24-hour polka station.
Brian Dern: What?
Casey Parker: Yes, Brian, we all decided.
Brian Dern: Who decided?
Casey Parker: Didn't you get the memo?
Brian Dern: Since when do I read memos, Casey?
Casey Parker: Please, Brian, we're still on the air. Yes, Odyssey 105 will be provided to you, the people, to give you exactly what you've been waiting for all so long. A 24-hour polka station right here.
Brian Dern: I don't believe it!
Casey Parker: To all the people of Odyssey, thanks for listening.
Brian Dern: Polka?
Ms. Penny: Okay, it's good to see you all here today. Janet, why don't you pass around the Sunday School quarterlies while we meet our visitors and make announcements. Courtney, is this a friend of yours?
Courtney: Yes, this is my cousin Hannah. She's moving here.
Ms. Penny: Really? Where are you from, Hannah?
Hannah: Philadelphia.
Ms. Penny: Well, it's nice having you.
Hannah: Thanks.
Ms. Penny: Okay. Let's get an update on the Youth Camp fundraising projects. Courtney, how's it coming?
Courtney: Everything's on schedule. We're having the bake sale at Whit's End on Thursday. If anybody wants to do something but hasn't signed up yet, see me after class.
Ms. Penny: All right. Anything else?
Hannah: May I suggest something?
Ms. Penny: Sure, Hannah, go ahead.
Hannah: I know I'm new and all, but I think I may have an idea for fundraising.
Ms. Penny: What's that?
Hannah: A car wash.
Ms. Penny: Hm.
Hannah: Yeah, my church did it last year. We earned a lot of money. Probably more than you could earn with any bake sale.
Ms. Penny: Well, that's an interesting idea. Courtney, what do you think?
Courtney: Well, I hadn't thought of it, but.
Hannah: We could charge a dollar a wash. Nobody'd pass that up.
Ms. Penny: Courtney, could you put it together?
Courtney: But I have all these other things to do.
Hannah: I could organize it.
Courtney: Oh, no, you don't have to.
Ms. Penny: I think it's a nice idea, Courtney. Why don't we do that?
Courtney: Well, I guess we could do that.
Ms. Penny: Okay then, if anybody wants to do the car wash, then meet with Hannah after class.
Hannah: Sounds good.
Courtney: Courtney.
Hannah: Yeah, sounds good.
Brian Dern: You know, I was thinking about it, and I wonder if maybe that song needs something. I don't know, maybe words? And I think the accordion player could use a sedative. Okay, let's take another caller. We're playing the "What Could Possibly Be More Annoying Than This Music?" game. Caller, go ahead, what could possibly be more annoying than this music?
Guest (Male): Getting your teeth drilled.
Brian Dern: Wrong, go! Next caller.
Guest (Female): How about the Zit Cream commercials?
Brian Dern: Wrong again. Next caller.
Guest (Male): If you really hate polka so much, you should turn to Q94. They got some great music, and you could win a big screen TV in their Mystery Artist contest.
Guest (Male): Hello?
Brian Dern: Oh, I think we have a winner! My friend, you are more annoying than this music!
Guest (Male): Cool. Do I win something?
Brian Dern: I'm just gonna play another song. This one is called The Sheboygan Shuffle. Somebody knock me out, I'd like to be unconscious for a while.
Brian Dern: I can't do it. I can't do it. I can't do it. I can't play this stuff! And I won't! I won't do it, you hear me? I'll die before I play one more polka!
Brian Dern: There, that's the music I'm gonna play, and nobody can stop me! I don't have to take this. I'm the DJ on this station, and I'll play whatever I want, that's right. You hear me, boss? Are you listening? Crying Brian Dern is back! I want a new format! I want good music! I want to play songs with titles that don't include cities in Wisconsin! And I'm not leaving until I get it! Lock the doors, I've taken over the studio!
Chris: Wanna contact us about the episodes you're hearing? Visit our website at AdventuresInOdyssey.com. Or talk to someone at Focus on the Family. Call 1-800-A-FAMILY, with a parent's permission, of course. We always love hearing from you.
Courtney: Okay, Erica, what do you wanna make?
Erica: I can make little caramel bars.
Courtney: Sounds good. How many?
Erica: Well, about three dozen.
Courtney: All right, if you can have those here by 5:30 tomorrow, that'd be great. The bake sale officially starts at 6:00.
Erica: No problem.
Hannah: Hey, guys.
Courtney: Hey, Hannah.
Hannah: Hi! You'll never believe this.
Courtney: What?
Hannah: I've got eight people helping me with the car wash.
Courtney: Eight? What did you get eight?
Hannah: I guess people thought it was a pretty good idea.
Courtney: You don't even need eight.
Hannah: This is so much fun.
Erica: I gotta go. I'll see you later.
Courtney: Bye, Hannah. See ya.
Erica: See ya.
Courtney: You know, come to think of it, we may need to make this bake sale a little bigger. How many caramel bars did you say you were baking?
Erica: Three dozen.
Courtney: Could you make five?
Erica: Five dozen?
Courtney: Yeah, and would you be able to make some more signs to hang up around town? Erica, everybody in Odyssey needs to hear about this bake sale.
Erica: I don't know if I'll have time.
Courtney: Okay, I'll do it. And you better get those bars here a little earlier. Maybe we'll start at 5:00 instead of 6:00. I better get to the store. See ya.
Erica: Hope somebody like caramel bars.
Brian Dern: And that was, once again, my favorite song. Stay tuned and I'll play it again in a couple of minutes. This is Crying Brian Dern making it up as I go along. I'm now in my 25th straight hour. It's been one day, and all 30 cups of coffee since I took over the studio, and I'm feeling great!
Brian Dern: If anybody tries to come in here and get me, that includes you, Casey. I see you out there, sneaking around. If you get any closer, I'm gonna take this coffee here and pour it into about $50,000 worth of equipment! People, there's nothing scarier than Brian Dern when he gets his second wind. Let me play my song again.
Brian Dern: I'm giving away polka CDs, lots and lots of polka CDs. Be the seventh caller right now and you get a copy of The Best of the Schmidtke Trio. What a fabulous addition this will be to someone's music library. Call now, yes! Congratulations, you're my seventh caller.
Guest (Male): All right.
Brian Dern: What's your name, sir?
Guest (Male): Johan Schmingy.
Brian Dern: Well, Johan, you have just won hours and hours of polka fun! This CD, and I don't think I'm exaggerating here, could be the polka standard by which all other polkas are measured. The Schmidtke Trio has always been a lighthouse in the midst of a sea of polka mediocrity. Well, for me at least.
Guest (Male): Me too. This is the most wonderful thing that's ever happened to me in my life.
Brian Dern: Play it long, play it loud, Johan. And my deepest apologies to Johan Schmingy's neighbors. This is Crying Brian Dern, wired and ready for another 24 hours! Whoa.
Hannah: Hi, Mr. Allen.
Courtney: Hi, Courtney.
Mr. Allen: Hi, Courtney.
Courtney: Looks like you've got quite a setup here. Oh, thanks.
Mr. Allen: You know, I think I'd like to buy something.
Courtney: Okay, what would you like?
Mr. Allen: I'd like a cookie.
Courtney: Could you be more specific? We have 47 different kinds of cookies.
Mr. Allen: 47? Oh boy. Maybe I should just pull up a chair.
Hannah: Okay, and your change is $4.
Guest (Male): Keep it, you did a nice job on the car.
Hannah: Well, thank you. Would you like a wax?
Guest (Male): No, thanks.
Hannah: Would you like us to vacuum out the inside?
Guest (Male): No.
Hannah: How about some air freshener? We have pine, lemon, strawberry.
Guest (Male): No thank you.
Hannah: We could rotate your tires while you're here.
Hannah: Hey, Courtney.
Courtney: Oh, hi, Hannah.
Hannah: You wouldn't believe how well the bake sale went today. We made a lot of money.
Courtney: Good.
Hannah: The car wash was great too. Must have washed 50 cars. In fact, we did so well, we decided to get together tomorrow and do something else.
Courtney: Like what?
Hannah: We're gonna go from house to house doing yard work for anybody that needs it.
Courtney: Really? That sounds like a good idea.
Courtney: Well, see ya.
Hannah: Hi, we're from Odyssey Community Church, and we're trying to raise money for the Youth Camp. We're wondering if you need any work done around your yard.
Guest (Male): Well, actually, no.
Hannah: Are you sure?
Guest (Male): Quite.
Hannah: How about some? Wait a minute. That's Courtney across the street. What is she doing?
Courtney: So, do you see anything you like?
Guest (Female): Well, these are awfully nice crafts, young lady. Did you really make these yourself?
Courtney: I sure did last night. They're a dollar a piece.
Guest (Female): I don't think I've ever seen weiner dogs made out of soda cans before.
Courtney: Well, I'm glad you like 'em.
News Reporter: In other news, Odyssey 105 is still under siege by Brian Dern, a disgruntled disc jockey for that station. He says he won't come out until the station promises to get rid of their 24-hour polka format. In community news, check out MacAlister Park today, and you'll see a group of energetic teens playing in a softball marathon. They are currently in their 32nd inning, and they show no sign of stopping. Proceeds go towards sending the Odyssey Community Church Youth Group to camp this year.
Mr. Allen: Courtney, what have you been doing?
Courtney: Need water. Throat.
Mr. Allen: Let me get you some. You better sit down.
Courtney: Yes. Sit down.
Mr. Allen: What were you doing?
Courtney: Running.
Mr. Allen: Why, was somebody chasing you?
Courtney: Trying to get in shape.
Mr. Allen: Looks like you got a way to go. Here's your water. Courtney, you're spilling. Never mind.
Courtney: Thanks.
Mr. Allen: Oh, yeah, yeah. Why the sudden health kick?
Courtney: I've got the 5-mile run next week.
Mr. Allen: 5-mile run?
Courtney: I'm organizing it. It wouldn't look too good if I couldn't run it myself.
Mr. Allen: Another fundraiser?
Courtney: Sure.
Mr. Allen: Why?
Courtney: I'm raising money for Youth Camp.
Mr. Allen: Courtney, you could buy the Youth Camp with all the money you've raised, and you seem to be killing yourself in the process. Are you sure you're not overdoing it?
Courtney: What do you mean?
Mr. Allen: Well, you've been running around like crazy for days, organizing, baking, making crafts.
Courtney: Mr. Allen, it's all for a good cause.
Mr. Allen: Oh, I see, good cause. So it has nothing to do with Hannah?
Courtney: Hannah?
Mr. Allen: I've been watching you, Courtney. Are you sure you're trying to raise money for camp, or are you really just trying to top Hannah?
Courtney: Well,
Mr. Allen: Courtney, tell me what's going on.
Brian Dern: That was a song. Sung by a singer. This is Crying Brian Dern, going into his 94th hour of being on the air. What do you wanna do? Maybe I should play a song. There's one. I can't tell you what it is because my contact lenses have become a permanent part of my eyeballs, and everything's kind of blurry. I can't seem to get this disc in the player. Forget it. Maybe I should sing a little song. I'll do a little song that my mother used to sing when. Well, I never knew my thumb could do this. I know. Let's have a moment of silence for somebody. Are we at war or anything? Give me some ideas, people. Yes, we have a caller. We have a caller, you're on the air.
Guest (Male): Yes, my hamster's been kind of sick lately.
Brian Dern: Perfect. What's your hamster's name?
Guest (Male): Binky.
Brian Dern: Great. Let's have about an hour of silence for Binky. Wake me up when you're done. Wait, wait, no, I've got a show to do. The show must go on.
Casey Parker: So what's the deal, Casey? Why don't you get him out of there? Are you kidding? The phones are ringing off the hook. The whole city wants to know how long he can go. We're probably getting killer ratings.
Guest (Male): Well, kinda neat how that worked out then, huh?
Casey Parker: What do you mean?
Guest (Male): You know, Dern holding the station hostage?
Casey Parker: What are you talking about? Dern's not holding us hostage.
Guest (Male): Then what's he doing in there?
Casey Parker: Don't tell me you fell for this.
Guest (Male): You mean this is a hoax?
Casey Parker: Great way to jack up the ratings, huh?
Guest (Male): All of this is a hoax?
Casey Parker: All of it from the polka stuff to Dern taking over the studio. Work too. Dern cooked this up. The man's a genius.
Guest (Male): I guess so.
Casey Parker: Dern, Dern, Dern, you're doing a great job.
Brian Dern: I'm going home.
Casey Parker: Oh, you can't leave now. The phones are lighting up like a Christmas tree.
Brian Dern: I don't care. I have no control over my left eyelid anymore. Look at that. Look at that.
Guest (Male): Gross.
Casey Parker: Well, look, why don't you just have some coffee?
Brian Dern: I'm going home. It's illegal to keep me here for 90 hours straight. I'll take you to court.
Casey Parker: All right, all right, all right. Just go back and pretend for 10 minutes, and we'll stage a police takeover. Then go home, get some rest and be here early tomorrow morning.
Brian Dern: Tomorrow morning? Are you crazy?
Casey Parker: Well, we need to talk about what we're gonna do next.
Brian Dern: Next?
Casey Parker: We've got the city wrapped around our finger now. We gotta keep 'em. We have to do something even bigger than this.
Brian Dern: Bigger?
Brian Dern: What do you have in mind? You wanna run me over with a tractor on the air? You want me to do an entire show while lying on a bed of nails?
Casey Parker: Well, whatever it takes, Dern, you're the man with the big ideas.
Brian Dern: Yeah. Me and my big ideas.
Courtney: It's been like this ever since we were kids. We were born three months apart. It seems like we were always being compared to each other.
Mr. Allen: Mm-hmm.
Courtney: She walked first. I spoke in sentences first. Then we kinda took over from there.
Mr. Allen: Uh-huh.
Courtney: We competed over who had the best dolls, then the best clothes. It never stopped. See, this fundraiser is just typical. I've raised a little over $500, but you know she'll raise more. Then I'll do something to beat that, and, oh, you know, it goes on and on.
Mr. Allen: Oh, that's a shame. It seems like you two would get along well otherwise.
Courtney: What do you mean?
Mr. Allen: I mean, my guess is you could be good friends if you gave it a chance.
Courtney: Oh.
Mr. Allen: See, that's the thing about competing, always competing with other people. It puts a strain on relationships. You're so busy trying to outdo them that you lose sight of who they are, and who you are.
Courtney: You're right. Hannah and I always pretend to be better friends than we really are. To be honest, we've never been that close.
Mr. Allen: So, what are you gonna do about it?
Courtney: Do about it?
Mr. Allen: Don't you think you should put a stop to this?
Courtney: I try, but somehow she always pulls me back in.
Mr. Allen: Oh. Well, if this is gonna end, one of you has to make the first move. Don't you think you should be the one?
Courtney: Yeah, but how?
Mr. Allen: I've got a suggestion.
Courtney: What?
Mr. Allen: What would happen if you just let her win?
Courtney: Let her win?
Mr. Allen: Ask yourself something, how bad would it be if you actually let Hannah beat you? What kind of pain would you suffer?
Courtney: None, I guess.
Mr. Allen: There you are then. Put a stop to it by letting her win.
Hannah: Hi, everyone.
Mr. Allen: Oh, hi, Hannah.
Courtney: Hi, Hannah.
Hannah: Oh, Courtney, you look tired.
Courtney: I am.
Hannah: Oh, come on, lighten up. I feel like I could run a marathon!
Mr. Allen: Really?
Hannah: I look great! What a day, huh?
Mr. Allen: The fundraiser was a success?
Hannah: Completely! With all the stuff we did, we raised almost $450!
Courtney: 450?
Hannah: Yeah, isn't that incredible?
Courtney: Sure is, but you know we raised. We raised quite a bit too.
Hannah: Great. Buy you ice cream to celebrate? You're on. Two ice cream cones, please, Mr. Allen.
Mr. Allen: Okay. That wasn't too painful, was it?
Courtney: No. And make her cone a little taller.
Mr. Allen: I sure will, Courtney. Coming right up!
Chris: There's nothing wrong with wanting to be the best. What's wrong is when being the best becomes too important to us, and we sacrifice more important things to do it. You know, our relationships with God, our families, and our friends should always come first. Like it says in Jeremiah 9:23 and 24, "Let not a wise man boast of his wisdom. Let not the mighty man boast of his might. Let not the rich man boast of his riches, but let him who boasts, boast of this, that he understands and knows me, that I am the Lord."
Chris: Well, that's all for now. If you ever wanna write to us, just send your card or letter to Adventures in Odyssey, Colorado Springs, Colorado, 80995. Or in Canada, write to Box 9800, Vancouver BC, V6B 4G3. And don't forget to ask how you can get your own copy of today's episode. It's called "Top This!" That address again is Adventures in Odyssey, Colorado Springs, Colorado, 80995. Adventures in Odyssey's a presentation of Focus on the Family. Top This! was written and directed by Marshall Younger. Our production engineer was Bob LaTrell. And our executive producer was Chuck Bolty. And I'm Chris, hoping you'll join us again next time for more Adventures in Odyssey.